MELDED WITH THE WALL
by Kelly Doyle. Rip this off and I kill you! Enjoy! :D (note: if anyone knows how to do long dashes in html, could you let me know? thanks.)

        "No, no, don't you say that, Rese." She said quietly to herself. She felt him respond, not in words but in thought. Whispers in her mind, their source invisible.
        I can say it if I want to. You're still upset over Kris killing himself, even after all these years.
        She shook her head, looking down at her hands. The water washed the blood away slowly, diluted. The overhead fluorescent light glinted brightly off the polished steel of her kitchen faucet. Her eyes shifted to the stream of water, the manipulation of the world behind its clear stream refracting through.
        Look what his death is still doing to you.
        She ignored him and listened to the soft hiss of the water rushing through the pipes, the sharp splashing of it dripping into the sink. The water carried away red blood cells, plasma the color of amber that she could not see but knew was there. Her fingers twitched from the stinging. She closed her eyes. She held her hands under the faucet a few minutes more, staring at the pink-orange glow of the insides of her eyelids. Wind through the open kitchen window brought with it the smell of burning. A bird flew by, screeching harshly.
        She shivered, drying her hands with a paper towel. That was good enough. She adjusted stray strands of her coffee colored hair, only a little cream and no sugar. She straightened her black miniskirt and inspected her now-chipped plum nail polish. Not perfect... but there was no time to fix it. She picked up the paring knife and returned it to its place in a drawer without even wiping her blood off of it. She walked through the living room, opened the wooden blinds to look outside. Nothing but a black road and small front lawn, the grass green and the tree bare. She sat down in a patterned beige armchair, propping one leg on the other. A moment passed. She got up and checked the window again. Waiting... this was her life, it seemed. Rese jumped on that thought immediately.
        It is not just waiting, and you know it, Jesse.
        Yes it is, because I say so. She replied in thought.
        Stop complaining.
        Stop caring.
        A car door shut. She let out a yelp and rushed for the door. She opened it and ran toward him in a manner he would later describe as flustered. Sean took her in his arms and she let out her breath steadily, collapsing into his embrace.
        See? Waiting over.
        No, It has just begun anew.
        She led Sean inside, the cut at the base of her palm causing her arm to twitch with the pain. No, not now, she didn't want to deal with that now. He leaned down and kissed her. It was just so easy to float away. Linger in that one moment of wishful perfection and drift. They talked, they listened to A Perfect Circle. Still, she was drifting.
        "Now what," he asked, glancing at her cherry tank top.
        She scanned the room, small television with built in DVD player. A few video game consoles behind a pile of controllers. A black end table, the dust visible on its surface. White walls. The grey-blue couch, a gift from her mother. Sean sitting there in his khaki pants and green shirt, running a finger down her open palm. He placed her hand on his lap as the stereo played, "With heaven's help, you cast your demons out..."
        "I thought you weren't going to do that anymore." Sean said as he looked down at her hand.
        "I can cut myself if I want to."
        "How many times have I told you it's bad for you?"
        "Too many." She shifted away from him on the couch, toward the kitchenette of her one-bedroom apartment. "It's my choice."
        "Making your amends to the dead..."
        "Well, it's a bad one." He said. She looked back at him. Shaggy brown hair, round face and Mediterranean skin. She leaned toward him and he embraced her. "You know how much I care about you, Jesse. I don't want to see you hurting yourself over some silly reason or another."
        "Some silly reason." She repeated.
        "The seven eleven being out of cherry icee?"
        She smiled. "You know I don't like blueberry." She could hear Rese laughing. Please, not now.
        He smiled back. "I know. I love you."
        "I love you too," she said before getting up and walking out of the room, her hips swaying. He followed, taking off his black leather jacket and draping it over the armchair she had been sitting in before he arrived.
        Why not now?
        Because he's here.
        But I want you now.
        Leave me alone.
        She let herself fall onto her bed, her arms sprawled and her hair spread out underneath her. She gave him a grin as he walked in and settled beside her.
        She had met Sean in high school, and it was only after the disaster with Kris that she discovered he was a good friend. Possibly the best she had ever had. And it was much later she discovered he had loved her. Before Kris's death, he had been just another face, another smile she would not later be able to recall. Yet he became a being whose relevance would take months to uncover. How did she get to today? How did it begin? She stared at the ceiling. Anything to ignore the rambling that no one else could hear.
        How did it begin? That was hardly a question worth a second of thought, since life always flowed forward, yet she dwelled on it. It hadn't been her idea, not completely, more of a mutual decision made through discussion. So technical. They always seemed to have handled things as such, discussing the day's advances like the outcome of a game: "That was a good move." "I don't know what she was thinking." Or they would analyze intimate matters with a biological approach. It was these things that drew her to him, these things that fed their fire. It began with the doubt of a kiss, the refusal of a glance. The feelings invoked upon the recollection or reintroduction of a smell. All these images swirled through her mind as his warmth radiated, the soft glow of pale skin, blue in the shadows. It began a long time ago now, a memory half lost through decay and replacement. Even the most important aspects of one's life fade, precious memories stored and forgotten by the shifting of a neuron's structure. He ran his hand delicately up her hip, around to the small of her back, and no matter how many times she might feel his lips against hers it would always be exciting. She looked up at him, his eyes were a dusty green.
        It had begun with hiding and lying. "We are not, mother." She doubted many parents never had to endure such lies. They had continued without cover, with a hope of luck. They say you never know what love is when you're in high school. He asked her permission like he always did before starting. Young lovers assume their elders are wrong. The retaliation is that experience brings wisdom. "Don't be stubborn, child." She regretted not starting sooner. There were so many moments that never existed, wasted on Kris when Sean was nothing but a familiar name.
        Could she say 'wasted'? Sean looked at her, his gaze gentle. He lifted her head and scooted the pillow underneath, brushing a strand of hair out of her eyes. She knew not to mourn over impossibilities. Could she really think all that time was wasted? Sean kissed her chest, every spot of moisture cooling her skin as it evaporated. Everything is technical. She smiled, tilting her head back so he could press his mouth against her neck, and she couldn't help but let her back arch and her legs shift. It is hard to say no when instincts say yes. Do not try to prohibit what you could never stop. What you do hypocritically in the darkness. They would never understand that, she believed, something they all say but never remember. He settled between her legs, her skin brushing softly and she smiled at him. No one else matters, she told herself. He looked down at her, open and exposed, still a hint of disbelief in his eyes. It had begun in a quiet house, shades shut to block sunlight. It seemed insignificant, the differences before and after. Simplicity had revealed the truth: it was complexity in disguise.
        Stop hiding from me. That silent voice taunted.
        Rese, go away.
        No.
        Things change. She learned that, when her love that seemed so stubbornly strong faded before her eyes. There was only one choice after his suicide. She had Sean now, and she bound herself to him in as many ways as a human being could. I'm not letting you go. Not like he let me go. Not like I let him go. She thought she had learned from those past mistakes, though history was already repeating. Shifting, yes, but echoes reflect like ripples off walls. Distorted yet true.
        She saw that distortion every time she closed her eyes, a resonance of her warped beliefs. Rese. A man, but altered, eyes that said more than she could write down if she spent her whole life with a pencil in her hand. She didn't know what color this man's eyes were; the mind's sight is rarely so precise. She could make them any color she chose, she could make him look however she liked, but he remained the same. The permanent haunt of her partially forgotten past.
        I love you, Jesse. He told her again.
        I know you do.
        Her breathing was irregular, now that a few minutes had slipped by from that first smooth sensation. Moisture seemed to linger in the air around her, smelling vaguely of sweat. She listened to her voice like it was not her own. It was someone else's. These sounds still felt foreign to her, even after so long. The rising and falling of pitch followed a familiar pattern that she believed he adored. Determination was on his face, his brow lowered and his mouth half open.
        This was what it felt like, right?
        She sensed doubt creep in, filling her up as she lay beneath him. She quivered as the doubt, that man, started to consume her again. Sean felt the change and paused, looking down into her petrified eyes.
        "What's wrong, Jesse?" He asked. She whimpered in return.
        Torture. Her skull seemed to rupture as her mental processes came to a halt, that thing digging, invading, shredding, the tears dripping down the sides of her face and into her ears. The structure of her mind crushed like a cracker being eaten, the saliva dissolving and starting the digestive procedure. Commands went incomplete and unnoticed and yet Rese kept pressing, taking her brittle soul in his hands and ripping it apart.
        Admit you like this.
        No...
        Tell me you love me.
        She looked up at Sean, this real man that had given her an engagement ring not even three months prior. She had been so happy. She had triumphantly accepted and the crowd that had gathered had clapped as they hugged and cried. Sean looked down at her, mouthing, "what's wrong?" again as his chest moved deeply with each breath.
        "Please, don't stop," she whispered. They had a future; they had a life ahead of them. They were going to get married in the fall.
        What about me?
        You don't exist, Rese.
        Prove it.
        Sean shook his head slowly. "You're in pain." He said.
        "I said don't stop..." She closed her eyes.
        "You're crying, Jesse."
        She felt Rese laughing inside of her, a soft chuckling. This face no one had ever seen twisted into a smile. All Sean heard was a soft sigh as her body went limp, and he kissed her on the forehead before settling next to her. He didn't hear her scream; he didn't see Rese take her.
        
        "You Goddamned bastard, you have to stop doing that!"
        "Why should I? Give me one good reason and maybe I will."
        "I have a life on that planet, Rese, can't you see that? You can't just take me away to fulfill whatever sick fantasies you've thought up this time. Put me back."
        "No."
        She fumed, and turned away from the man that stood in front of her. She was in a room that didn't exist, with someone who didn't existÉ yet she was not surprised. It was a seamless cube of pale lavender; four walls, a flat ceiling and a floor. There were no doors, no windows, no furniture. She looked left, right, turned a bit to look behind, to be sure.
        "There's nowhere for you to go, my darling."
        "Don't you dare call me that."
        "I want you to think about something." He ran a hand through his black hair. "Think about that world that I just took you from."
        "What about it? That's where I live. That's where I exist. Where Sean exists."
        "What is existence? What defines where you are? How do you know that this isn't reality, and that is?"
        She paused, trying to find an answer, maybe for too long.
        "You could define existence, Jesse. You could make it whatever you want. You believe that Sean loves you. But how do you know that? How could you possibly? Everything out there is mist and shadows. In here, you know exactly what's going on."
        She shook her head. What color were his eyes? Blue?
        "You know what I think. I know what you think. There is no doubt. You have no idea what Sean really thinks of you. If he even loves you. If he's even true to you."
        "How dare you suggest that, Rese?"
        "Because it's the truth."
        "Oh, and what I feel I know about Sean isn't true?" She asked.
        Rese smiled. "What you feel you know about Sean is not at all guaranteed to be how he really is. But what you know about me? You know that's the truth. That's real."
        "How can you say that what you aren't even real? I just thought you up one day."
        "Why?"
        "Because, be-"
        "Kris told you I existed one day, and you made it so. Why did you believe him? Because you wanted to be liked, be accepted. You didn't want to be alone."
        "No one wants to be alone." That was the point, those words, and he knew he was getting to her. "But this still isn't real."
        "Yet everything on that planet is."
        "Yes," The room seemed to blur, like a camera changing to soft focus.
        "How about when you and Kris played your little mind games? Contacting spirits, battling for energy. Things that moved because he said they did."
        "I never really believed him."
        "Yes you did. You believed all of it because it brought order to your life and when it came crashing down in the end what did you do? You used me to make it go away. It's not gone. I'm not gone. And I never will be."
        "What are you trying to say, Rese?" Her head was swirling. Her hands were itching and she couldn't look him in the eyes. They were violet. Crimson. Hollow.
        "Let's leave that place. Just you and me, get away from your school and your job and Sean and the doubts and all the pain it causes you."
        "And go where?"
        "Anywhere." He said.
        "How?"
        "Free your soul from the burden of that body."
        "I don't want to, Rese."
        "Say that again."
        "I don't-" No more worries about money. No, this was ludicrous. No more fretting about what others will think. A pair of pupils and irises and corresponding pigment, there was something hiding in her blind spot. Where the nerves in the back of the eye take the impulses to the brain. Rods and cones, she ran her fingers through her hair, scratching her scalp and it felt real. She pulled on her hair and felt pain. The impulses from her eyes showed her that she was standing in a purple room and there was a man gazing at her, patience in the hollows where she knew his eyes were supposed to be. What color? "This isn't real."
        "That doesn't matter."
        "No, no no no," She fell to the floor of the room, the liquid in her inner ear just couldn't decide which way was up. Up was arbitrary. The floor sent sharp pains to her brain via her hip and elbows. She pressed a hand to the floor. This isn't real, she thought to herself. Her hand slipped through the floor, pressing into soft coldness. Like jell-o just starting to congeal. She withdrew her hand and stared at it in disbelief. There was a residue that remained that put her on edge. And there was something elseÉ she looked around. Blue, she demanded quietly. The room turned navy. Green. It turned emerald. Lighter green. It turned a pale lime. Bigger. The walls and ceilings expanded.
        "Where are we?" She asked. Rese walked toward her. He squatted in front of her, and tapped her forehead.
        "We're right here." His skin was warm, his skin felt real. She brought her head forward as he drew his hand away. "Say you don't want to again. Say it a million times. But what do you feel in your heart? What do you really want?" His hand touched her shoulder, his fingers tracing loops idly. Parabolas and ellipses, complex functions of x. "I love you, Jesse."
        She loved Sean. Not this figment of her imagination. Sean cared about her, right? He wouldn't have proposed if he hadn't. Echoes of sound drifted through her mind, a younger Sean telling her that she was what gave his life purpose. Herself telling him that he had saved her life. She looked down. The ring was not on her finger. She hadn't even noticed. She looked back up into Rese's face. He was inches away from her yet she still could not tell what color those eyes were. If they even had a color at all. He leaned over her, pressing her shoulder down with one hand. She scooted herself back a few feet.
        "Why are you withdrawing from me?" He reached a hand out to her and she leaned back, her heart pounding from the struggle to refuse. "I'm not going to hurt you."
        "That's not what I'm afraid of." She said, trying to avoid his gaze.
        "I know what you want." He laughed.
        She couldn't get herself to refute that claim. He could read it without trying, her mind open to him. This exotic possibility beyond dream or reality.
        "You want to be with me, Jesse." He crawled up to her, and she felt the hairs on his legs brushing her hips as he made to kiss her. She scooted back a few more feet, her back now against the wall. She had to refuse. "Tell me you love me."
        He pressed her shoulders against the wall and kissed her fiercely. It all felt so real and she squirmed, he felt different than Sean, he tasted different. He wasn't letting her breathe. This was too far. This had gone too far. He ended the kiss and breathed in sharply before kissing her neck and she gasped for breath, trying to push him away. "You're out of control, Rese-"
        "Out of control, am I?" He pushed her against the wall, pressing her shoulders in, pressing his hands into her, and smiled. "Looks like I'm in control, if you ask me."
        "Of yourself! You're not in control of yourself!" She cried, trying to get out of his grasp, until she remembered that she had nowhere to go. She stopped struggling and looked into his grinning face. A face she had invented. But this was not part of her. This was not-
        It would be a way out. She would be abandoning life. Deserting her future, deserting Sean? She couldn't leave him, right? The promises? There was no ring on her finger. No weight of those burdens here. No bills, no college expenses, no parents getting upset. No doubt. He looked at her, reading her thoughts. Feeding them. No need to impress, no jealousy. No need for perfection. He nodded slowly at each thought. Touching her hip, her stomach. No more madness. No more blood. He had a beautiful face, strands of his hair falling forward, that pronounced jaw line she had always adored on a man, no, no, no, no. No doubt, no doubt, he kissed her again and she felt herself kissing back, no worry, no money, no trouble, no prejudice, no hunger, he pressed her to the wall again but this time sweetly, his hand in the small of her back, no jealousy, no nothing. Nothing! Nothing! Nothing, he inhaled sharply and glared at her, his lips turned up to what she considered to be a snarl.
        "It would not be life." She said.
        "It would be the most of your life! Freedom to do what you wish without fear of someone stopping you! Everything you want and everything is right!"
        She shook her head and he yelled, shoving her and standing up-how would she get out of here, but she couldn't think that, he would hear it-and he slammed his fists against the opposite wall.
        "You just don't understand, Jesse, I see you suffer out there, I see you cry and cause yourself pain and you would have none of that here. You could be free. Happy."
        She looked at him with skepticism, he closed his eyes and whispered, "You're perfect, Jesse."
        "No I'm not." She shivered.
        "You're more perfect than anyone else in that wannabe reality of yours."
        "No one is perfect." She looked around uneasily, he couldn't be serious. She shifted against the wall, cold and clammy.
        "That's your problem Jesse, you see all of those puppets and think what they're doing is right but they don't hold a candle to you. You're perfect! And you're better than all of them!"
        "You're wrong, Rese." Her body shook and her skin crawled, she was filthy, she was dirty, she was covered, she tried to brush whatever it was away. Just go away, please, she wasn't perfect. He stared at her, and she couldn't look him in the face and she had to get out of there, she had to get out.
        "Let go." He said. "Let go of it all. Let it slip away, feel the water washing it away." She was crying now, hitting herself, scratching herself, anything to make the feeling leave, "let it all go. I know you can do it. Let it go and you'll never have to feel it again. I promise."
        "Never?" She asked between sobs.
        "Never."
         It was everywhere, the tears stung her eyes and her hair was in a tangled mess in front of her face and with everything that was going on, how could she possibly worry about her hair, and that was when his words hit her. Soothing, like a beacon in the darkness, it was so tempting to follow that siren's song. Just slip away, get lost in an ocean of cleansing beauty, of void.
        When it seemed that he had won, when he sighed with relief as he brushed his fingers across parallel lines of red blood running down her arm, she began.
        "Keep talking," she asked, and he closed his eyes and repeated those calming words, he really did love her, she was beautiful and perfect and she knew what the truth was. She knew who he was now. She pressed into that wall, shivering from the filth and it was all in her head, all imaginary. Even the wall was imaginary. A seamless jail in her mind. She felt herself smearing, melting, she felt her boundaries faltering, she heard his oblivious words, and she was ready to let go. She didn't have to hold on any more.
        She didn't need that manifestation of her obsession, the regret she had felt after Kris had gone. That was a chapter of her life she was ready to close. Life wasn't about being perfect. Not the level of perfection that Kris had demanded, that Rese had implemented, life was chaotic, and she knew that was what made it beautiful. The chance combinations of light frequencies and water vapor that made sunsets so spectacular, the mathematical properties of a flower's petals or a seashell. She let him slip away, she let his world float above her as she melded with the wall and then left it behind. She would not be there when he opened his eyes, their color forever hidden to her. He had given her a way out, the path that Kris had taken those many years ago. But no, life was for living. She wasn't going to lose what was real.
     
        She opened her eyes. The bedroom was dark and Sean was snoring gently, his breath warm and slightly moist against her cheek. She could feel that her engagement ring was crooked on her finger, but she didn't care. She wrapped an arm around this man she loved and took a deep breath. This was what life was for. This was why she was here. She kissed Sean on the lips and smiled.
        "I love you," she whispered.